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18 April 2020 @ 04:29 pm

"her life was a slow realization that the world was not for her, and that for whatever reason, she would never be happy and honest at the same time. she felt as if she were brimming, always producing and hoarding more love inside her. but there was no release. table, ivory elephant charm, rainbow, onion, hairdo, violence, melodrama, honey... none of it moved her. she addressed the world honestly, searching for something deserving of the volumes of love she knew she had within her, but to each she would have to say, i don't love you."

this journal is brashly, unapologetically, wholly about me-- my prurient nature, my wayward thoughts, my restless and blurry and delicious and uncertain hours-- and written with as much soul and candidness as i can muster. i've created dozens of these since age fourteen, and with each one, the self-censorship diminishes a bit more.
09 September 2011 @ 10:03 am
hi, just wanted to check in for a minute. i'm mostly writing here now (everyone kept telling me to attach my name to things already, it's 2011, blahblah i finally listened), but i'll be back in fits & starts, i'm sure. i always come back (usually when things are terrible or wonderful or very dull, & none of this has been the case lately), don't i? and i'm always reading, keeping up with you all & thinking of you. over & out, with all my love, xoxox, etc. etc.
09 September 2010 @ 12:14 pm
olivia (thenovelty ) and i are embarking on a silly little project - sorry i'm stoned. we've been meaning to do something like this for a while now. follow us if you've got a tumblr.!
23 December 2009 @ 02:18 pm
(answering these in the order in which they were received)

Have you ever been to Seattle? Any interest?
nope. whenever i next get around to visiting friends in portland, i'll probably swing by seattle just to check it out.

if you could meet five of your live journal friends who would they be?
i want to meet almost all of you, but in terms of who i presently think i'd get along with best in 'real' life:
thenovelty , rootsofpassion , geosh , teknolovesong , presentpossible 
and others, definitely.

Do you collect anything?
records, books, shotglasses, postcards, useless souvenirs from traveling and whatnot (stubs, programs, wristbands, flyers, etc.), buttons, boots, sea shells and stones.

[edited out the first part, in case you'd prefer it]....How does that begin again? How do I even begin to start writing for journals, magazines, competitions? How can that be forced if not killing the essence of the nature of writing?
i wish i had a useful-- or at least encouraging-- answer for you, but i'm probably the worst person to ask this at present. we're in this together. i've been wondering this for a long time, and rereading my battered copy of rilke's letters to a young poet because his advice is so pure and clear. it's so troublesome, to labor over what you want so badly to be organic and passionate, and you become afraid that it will become stripped of its truth, and then you fear that you're making too much of it-- thinking and talking about writing more than you're actually wrting-- and nothing will ever come of it that way either. but, i don't know, maybe hemmingway is right. i'm sure you've read this before, whoever you are, but here it is again: "I would sit in front of the fire and squeeze the peel of the little oranges into the edge of the flame and watch the sputter of blue that they made. I would stand and look out over the roofs of Paris and think, 'Do not worry. You have always written before and you will write now. All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.' So finally I would write one true sentence, and then go on from there. It was easy then because there was always one true sentence that you knew or had seen or had heard someone say. If I started to write elaborately, or like someone introducing or presenting something, I found that I could cut that scroll-work or ornament out and throw it away and start with the first true simple declarative sentence I had written."

Do you want to get married someday?
my present self does not. i suspect my future self will think differently, or at least will end up doing so regardless, so that my family doesn't go ballistic.

to the person who started theirs with "so this is anonymous?" -- i'm not certain that i know who sent this, but you're correct, i have some idea. what you wrote was very stirring and meant a great deal to me, and i wish i could effectively demonstrate how sincerely i mean this. people like you are the reason why i'm still on this silly website. for almost eight years now, i've been clearing out the dusty corners of my consciousness and sweeping them into these white boxes. i appear at my core here. and you are right, if i knew people who could bring all of this out of me-- similar souls, like you, i suspect-- my life would be much richer. and i would be much happier. i appreciate your perceptiveness, and i completely sympathize with the latter part of your remarks.

What's your clothing style/what styles do you love?
i don't know how much it comes through in my entries, but fashion is a huge aspect of my identity. my mother's taste is very eclectic and european-- she loves styles that are eye-catching but simultaneously classic, and she passed that aesthetic on to me (though her style is still bolder than my own). none of my clothes have visible brand names on them, but i enjoy well-made clothing and will buy designer clothing if it's something i'm going to wear for a long time. i tend not to follow trends unless they happen to match my specific tastes. i'm in high heels 90% of the time and, as you'll see in the randomly selected photos under the cut, i especially love wearing boots. dresses and skirts make up a large part of my wardrobe, and i love accessorizing with hats, belts, tights, and scarves. you'll never see me in a pair of sweatpants, though because i have to dress business casual for work (i.e lots of long dresses with belts, and high-waisted skirts with button-up collared shirts), i've really come to relish dressing down in a white v-neck, jeans, and a pair of cowboy boots (yeah, hello hipster, i know).

i wanted to answer the 'what styles do you love' question by referencing a celebrity who's style i really like, but i don't pay much attention to what famous strangers wear. i think that young black women in philadelphia have the most head-turning style, and i envy some of the things they're able to pull off. i don't spend a ton of time browsing boutiques or online stores looking for things that are 'different'... most of my day-to-day clothing comes from zara, h&m, arden b., the victoria's secret catalog (the ones with actual clothes, not lingerie), and little no-name stores in the city-- but i try to mix things up in a way that makes them look a bit unique. i'm not big on thrift stores, but i wish i could afford beautiful vintage clothes.. ah, anyway.. the pictures i selected, aside from being really silly, aren't the best examples of my personal style, but i don't really make a point of it to have myself photographed head-to-toe for no reason. maybe if i had a camera that worked...
thanks, facebookCollapse )

p.s: the formspring is still active!
10 December 2009 @ 08:41 pm

my greatest fear is that i will never be free.